Rambles

I have tried to do this many times, never suceeding. This time is different because I am determined to finish it. 

I was born in Victorville, CA, but we lived in Apple Valley. I remember small things like, my dad playing with me while I layed on the floor, and me chasing my older brother. I remember the worst started when I was about 3. My parents divorsed (which doesn't affect me now) My dad took me to my grandfather's while my mom and brother moved to Vegas. After living with my dad for 2 weeks, he took me to live with my mom. He did not know how to deal with a crying 3 year old. In the time of 6 months we moved quite abit. My mom is scared of cats so whenever she saw one, we'd move. By this time my brother and I never really got along. I remember living in trailer parks and apartments... all dirty. I was given a dog named Sasha and she was my best friend. I was enrolled in day care where I met my first best friend, Mark. We were inseperable. I remember everyone having lice and the beetles and roaches in the bathroom. Every weekend my daddy would come and see me. He would clean us up, buy our food, made sure we had propane for the heat, and pay our rent so I wouldn't live on the street.

Finally after 6 months of this... my dad decided to take me back to grandpasto live with him. I grew up pretty happy until I was 9 and my dad broke his back and could no longer work. I had to grow up fast. I did the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. I became very depressed but hid it from almost everyone except my friends, Mark, Ashley, Bry, Brianna, Korey, and Jay. When I was 10, my dad let me go to my grandmother's for Thanksgiving. After dinner my mom left me and my brother, Mikey overnight with grandma. During the night something bad happened, but I will not speak of that.  By 6th grade, Dad met Lori. I didn't like her for the fact she would call me fat, a bitch, anything she could think of. In the 8th grade I spent the night at a friend's... let's call her Amanda. When I awoke in the morning, her step-dad was attempting to rape me. That was one of the scariest things in my life. I kept quiet about it for a number of years. When I finally spoke up, the police could do nothing.  For my 13th birthday my dad let me go to Bullhead City, Arizona to my aunts and then to Vegas to spend my birthday with my mom.  While I was away, Dad married Lori. Then I had 4 step-brothers and 2 step-sisters. My sisters hated me. I only knew 3 of my brothers well and 2 of them were nice. One would always sit on me or taunt me. My depression worsened.  The summer before high school I was allowed to go to my mom's for another birthday. It would be the worst birthday yet. 

I slept on the couch while there.  Taz, mom's dog, would sleep next to me on the floor. I remember every day after work my mom would say she had to get something out of her closet (which was kept locked). There'd always be a pequilar smell. (I was there for 3 weeks) One day my mom went to California and I asked her boyfriend what she was doing there. His reply "She's going to court for some stupid little girl." I would soon learn that I was that girl. During the time that I was there, my brother and I were playing PS2. Well I beat his at a game, he got mad and tried to make my leg go up over my head and down my back without bending it. He got int over my head and partially down my back when I screamed in pain. I will always have problems with that leg and knee due to that. I told my mom I wanted to call my dad and go home. She ripped all the phone lines out of the wall and locked them away. I was in hell. I wouldn't sleep in the middle of the night, scared he'd follow through with his other threats. I was doing the dishes one night and he took a kitchen knife and stabbed my stomach. It wasn't too deep so it healed on it's own. I told my mom about it. All she said was "Mikey, knock it off" If only I could have called the police and my dad. Ironically, the year before Jay moved to the same trailer park she was living in. The only time I'd sleep is when I'd go over there. The only thing to eat in the house was week and a half old spagetti. I wouldn't eat until we visited my grandmother who would feed us whatever we wanted.

I remember being at my grandmother's and mom coming over. She said she got temporary custody of me. I cried it was a week before high school started. I didn't think I'd see any of my friends or my dad again. Within 4 hours my dad was there to pick me up. He called the Vegas police and explained he had full custody and she was suppossed to have returned me the week before. The police said she had kidnapped me. I told my dad everything that had happened and he's made sure I have never had to be there again. The start of high school was so hard for me. My stomach would hurt so bad from the stress of court dates. (Which I couldn't attend) I had to speak to 3 laywers about everything. It was really hard. Mark was there through it all, like he always had been. Dad got to keep me (obviously) And mom was ordered to see me twice a month. I haven't seen her in 5 years. I met a senior on the bus, his name, Bryan. He asked me out from day one and I said no. Everyday he'd ask me. He always got the same answer. Finally in January, he asked again and for once I said yes. He was my first real high school boyfriend. As well as my first kiss.  We were together a total of 11 months not counting the times we broke up when he wanted to try to date Sandy and Heather. I always took him back. Looking back on it I don't even know why I did. He came to school one day drunk. I was talking to Ashley and he was trying to get my attention. Finally he hit me in the arm and left a huge bruise and it swelled. It was like that for 3 weeks. 

The last straw came when I learned he was cheating on me... with a 12 year old. Mind you he was 18! I told him we were over and that was that. I stayed good friend's with him up until June of '06. I got tired of him telling people I was his and I was pregnant with his baby. April 27th, 2003 was one of the hardest days of my life. I was to go to Mark's at 5:30pm to skateboard and hang out. I was on the phone with Krista when 5:30 came. (He lived just up the street) She wanted 5 more minutes and I said ok but that's all. I went down there to find the police and an ambulance. It turns out, he took a handful of Vicadin and went boarding. Well he collapsed and died. He commited suicide. I've always blamed myself thinking I could have stopped him. I have come to the realization that he did what he did, I couldn't have stopped him anyways. He wanted to be with his mom. (His mom passed away the December before from Cancer) He left behind a young son, Jory. I had to find him a good home. A friend, Travis, asked if he could adopt him. Travis, a recovered pothead, I told him yes. Jory loves his new daddy but he always likes to hear about Mark. I ended up going to home school 3 months before I was to graduate and ended up graduating exactly a month early.  

September 19th, 2006. I was 18. Curt asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes hoping it'd be different than the other relationships. (Was cheated on by every guy) Well tomorrow makes a year since we've been together and it is the most wonderful relationship ever. He taught me I am a strong person who can do anything I set my mind to. He taught me that I don't need my mom to survive. I love him with all of my heart and want to spend forever with him. I know he is my one. My depression deissapeared 6 months before we started dated. I have always had my bad and good days, but I'm happy to say that I haven't had a bad day in a very long time. Guess my life is going good now.